Where are you?
In a non slutty way
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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