On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
