ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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