she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
