god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
