I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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