I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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