You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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