Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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