God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
