My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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