I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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