i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
