Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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