I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
