I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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