College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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