Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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