So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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