While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
