You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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