You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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