Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
