i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
