Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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