I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
