Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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