I skipped work to stalk him.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
