I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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