my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Alive.
So much puke
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
