Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
