Betty ford says i'm here all night
this beer tastes like vomit already
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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