who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
