Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
