Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
