you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
