12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
