I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
