ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
