ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
