don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
