i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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