please come you make the beer taste better
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
