ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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