I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
