So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
That accounts for only three of the penises
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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