I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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