I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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