Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
