easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
