She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
so much tequila, so little girl.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
