3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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