last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
